Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My wife has stage five Alzheimer’s, and we have a teenage daughter. I’ve been able to keep my wife at home so far, but it’s becoming difficult, and my daughter gets almost no time from me. How do I get over the guilt of putting my wife in a nursing home? Sometimes I just want to give up and die. —Curt

Dear Curt: First, for your sake and that of your loved ones, you need to see a doctor. You may have depression, and you could need some therapy. Hire an in-home care agency for your wife so you can leave long enough to get medical care for yourself.

You are in a rather unusual situation. These choices between children and the care receiver are more generally made by people who must choose between the needs of elders and children. If there’s anything more difficult than that, it’s a situation like yours.

My sister and I were constantly making choices between the needs of our children and the needs of our elders. We were the “sandwich generation” before it had a name. I can relate to how torn you must feel, even though my situation was a generation removed.

Throughout the caregiving years, I tried to consider what my elders would have wanted me to do in different situations, if they could still think rationally and give me advice. I believed then, and still do, that they would have wanted me to be a good parent, which at times meant less hands-on care for them.

What would your wife have wanted for her daughter, if she could have planned for this traumatic end to her life? My guess is that she would want you to be a good father, which includes providing your daughter with some normalcy at home and a decent amount of your time. Your wife is in a stage of Alzheimer’s where her safety needs are high. You need outside help, and you, your wife, and your daughter would very likely benefit if your wife moved to a memory unit in a good care center. She would be safe and you could visit her as often as you wish. Your daughter could still be a part of her mother’s life, yet have a more stable home life as well.

I don’t believe your wife would want to have her daughter grow up resenting the fact that she lost both parents through her mother’s illness. Please see a doctor to help you get yourself in a healthier spot. Then you can help your loved ones.