Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Readers: As caregivers, we want to provide a memorable Christmas for our loved ones. To do that, we often feel we must keep all of our family traditions. The problem is that as our elders age, many of us find that holiday traditions become painfully challenging, if not impossible. I know. I’ve been there.

Your parents may have become frail. They may be unable to be transported because of physical problems. They may become disoriented when they are moved from familiar surroundings or cranky because they don’t understand what is happening. Even more painful for you, they may not recognize you as their child.

If you have children or grandchildren who want a traditional Christmas, you may feel increased pressure. You want your elders to get as much enjoyment out of the season as possible, and that could mean there are many adjustments necessary to the children’s expectations. Finding a balance is tough.

Along with feeling challenged and often exhausted from trying to make this holiday season “perfect” for everyone, your heart aches with memories of  past holiday seasons, when your elders were strong and vital. It’s possible that you feel sadness is going to be your most vivid memory of this Christmas season.

How do caregivers cope with all of the conflicting feelings these holiday celebrations bring? How do we manage to give our elders, our spouse, our children, and even ourselves some semblance of a festive holiday, when we are coping with sadness and difficult conditions?

We cope imperfectly. We find our way around the expectations of perfection that tend to permeate this season.

My sister, Beth, and I spent many years trying to cope with the combination of ill elders and young children. The holidays were always a challenge. We coped by taking advantage of the full season, not just the actual day, to help our elders celebrate. We cut some corners, but we tried to give our elders as much of ourselves as we could.

Our family had 15 years of nursing home holidays, and our children deserved some home-style memories. We both knew our parents would not have wanted us to neglect our other family member’s needs in order to be at the nursing home for every event. We made hard choices, but we did our best. It’s all we could do. That’s all you can do. Celebrate the holidays the best you can, but remember that no holiday will be as perfect as the idealized version. Reduce expectations, do what you can, and know that your best is good enough.