Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My sister has been the primary caregiver for our dad for nearly five years. I’ve lived out of state, and I haven’t been emotionally or physically available. I’m now retired and moving back to our home town. I know I’ve been selfish about this and want to make up for my lack of help. How do I approach my sister about helping out? Missing Sister

Dear Missing: Recognizing that your sister has done so much on her own, and that your sudden appearance and ability to help may seem intrusive, is good. That will help you tactfully feel your way along.

Likely, your sister will be more than thrilled to have your help, but she will need time to adjust to your rather sudden wish to be involved. You need to be careful not to act as though you are there to take over. Also, please be careful of even a hint of criticism. Your sister has spent a long time doing what she has to her been the best thing for your dad. She needs your support and appreciation, even if you don’t agree with everything she has done.

If your relationship with your sister and/or your dad has been strained, as your note seems to imply, you may have to expect some reluctance, or even offence, on her part. Please try to be patient and not too easily offended. She may hold resentment that even she isn’t aware of, since you’ve been gone so long and she’s had to handle it all alone.

You can start by asking her what she needs most, but follow that with concrete suggestions. See if a morning off for time to herself would be well received. Alternately, you could offer to take your dad out to events or just for a drive. I’m sure that your sister needs time away from caregiving, but she may not know how to organize that time. Patiently build a partnership, and you will all benefit.

Try to frame your suggestions in a way that makes it clear you want to make her life easier. Obviously, there are caregivers who would be more than willing to let you become the primary caregiver now, if you are willing. If your sister is burning out from caregiving, she may welcome you with open arms and basically say, “Here you go. Let me know how I can help you!” Even if you think you know your sister, be prepared. Her response could surprise you.