Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My mother died six months ago, and my dad is moving from the house to an apartment. Or he’s supposed to be. He can’t seem to make any progress on deciding what to get rid of. The place is packed with stuff that’s accumulated for decades. I’m trying to help, but it’s driving me nuts. —Sam

Dear Sam: You are still grieving your mom’s death, you have a life of your own, and you are trying to help your dad. It’s a lot to cope with.

Try to step back and take an outsider’s view. Since your parents were in the home for decades, you likely spent at least part of your time there. It’s possible that you and your dad are both so emotionally involved in this move that you aren’t the best person to help him.

Sometimes a family friend or faith community leader that the elder is comfortable with can help. Other times, it’s better to look to someone who is even more detached than a friend.

Since you are at loggerheads with your dad, I’d first try a family friend. Ask him to walk through the house with your dad and listen to his emotional take on objects around the house. Then I’d hire a transitional housing company to help. Sometimes they are known as “elder movers.”

What you need is someone who can deal gently deal with your dad, but still remain firm that decisions must be made. Organizers are used to dealing with people emotionally attached to their objects, and a professional organizer could help him put belongings in categories. Then an apartment mover—or better, if you can find one locally—an elder mover, can come in to do the packing and moving.

This does not let you off the hook, but it does give you some distance. Once an organizer has helped your dad make some decisions, you may want to go back through the home and help him refine the choices. Be careful not to scoff at what he considers important. There may be memories you are unaware of that he attaches to an item.

This move is extremely emotional for your dad. Coming on the heels of your mom’s death makes it even harder. If it’s too hard to do right now, maybe he is rushing the healing process and more time could help. However, if the house is already sold, you don’t have a lot of choice. Please get some third-party help. It could make all the difference in your dad’s transition.