Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My mother is in her late 70s, and I accompany her to doctor appointments. She is having subtle memory problems. She also loves sweets, which, since she is borderline diabetic, she shouldn’t have. However, she is so charming and seemingly sharp when we go to the doctor that she gets away with anything. I know she’s lying to the doctor, but I don’t want to contradict her, which she’ll resent. How do I get the doctor to know the truth? —Marge

Dear Marge: Unlike taking a child to a doctor appointment, when you accompany an adult you can’t just answer the questions yourself. As they say, it’s complicated.

Doctors do need to address the actual patient. I’ve seen some who don’t want to waste their time and just talk over the elder patients as though they didn’t exist. That’s bad. The flip side of that is the doctor who doesn’t think the caregiver matters.

Since you are going to the doctor with your mom, it seems that she looks to you for helping her remember what she needs to do or that she at least needs you for emotional support. She’s likely signed the HIPAA papers stating that you can have access to her medical information. Since that is the case, the doctor should consider you part of the team.

With a list of potential questions in hand, try having a talk with your mom ahead of the appointment. Explain that this isn’t about her ego. Her doctor has to have the facts if he is to help her. Show compassion by telling her that we all “cheat” sometimes when it comes to doing what is right for our health. Keep judgment out of the picture.

If prepping your mom doesn’t help, then I’d suggest writing the doctor a letter about a week before the exam, so he can have the facts from your viewpoint. This will give him enough information to ask the right questions or frame them in a way that your mother will need to fess up. You could also offer to step out of the room for a few minutes if she wants time alone with the doctor. If he is forearmed with your letter, the two may have a conspiratorial little chat, and some useful information could be revealed that way.

You want the best thing for your mom, but she’s an adult. Do what you can to let the doctor know what you see as the truth. However, unless your mom is mentally incompetent to make decisions, she has rights. Tact will get you farther than bullying.