Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My mother is the primary caregiver to my dad, who had a stroke. I help as much as I can, but I work full time and have children. Mom is not young and has her own problems, but she is stubborn about hiring some help for Dad. They can afford it. How do I convince her she needs help? —Sara

Dear Sara: This isn’t uncommon with older couples. They vowed to care for one another until “death do us part.” That’s commendable, but the vows don’t mean that a well but aging spouse can’t get help caring for a sick spouse. Indeed, it’s often better for both of them.

In-home health care agencies can be a real boon with this care. Your mom will likely resist, but if you keep telling her she is still the primary caregiver and that the in-home person will do what she wants, that may help.

Ideally, she will let the in-home agency handle bathing and some of the transferring and heavy work. Explain to her that if she gets help with the physical part, she will have more energy to help your dad with the emotional part of his life. She may even be able to take him places they wouldn’t ordinarily go, since she could arrange for help. She also could go out occasionally, without worry.

Another option is adult day care. Many people enjoy the programming and activities at adult day care. They have peer interaction with someone other than the spouse. During that time, the spouse can run errands or visit friends. Also, there is time for the well spouse to get used to the house without the ill spouse. This will help your mom, if your dad has to transition to nursing home care.

However, your main job, as I see it, is to help her understand that she isn’t “giving up” on her husband. She is just getting help with his care.

I’ve heard from a couple of spousal caregivers that some friends make them feel guilty if they get help. That is a cruel kind of friendship if it’s coming from people who have never cared for a sick spouse long term. I don’t think this attitude is common, but it can happen. More often, friends are glad to see the well spouse get help. Outside help is often a very healthy addition to the caregiving routine, for both the caregiver and the care receiver.