Courtesy of Carolyn L. Rosenblatt

By Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, RN, BSN, JD

Imagine that the phone rings—it’s the police department in the city where your 85-year-old mother lives. She’s been in a car accident. She hit a pedestrian, the officer is saying, and your mom is hurt. You feel a rush of fear and guilt. You saw the warning signs, the forgetfulness, the lack of ability to concentrate. Mom really shouldn’t have been on the road. You’re afraid to ask what happened to the pedestrian. Could you have prevented this?

If you’ve noticed that your Mom or Dad might not be safe behind the wheel anymore, it is definitely time to act. After representing accident victims for nearly three decades, I have witnessed too many older drivers who are left to decide for themselves when it’s time to stop driving. That’s a mistake, and it can be a fatal one.

I met a man, age 84, who had been allowed to drive again a year after he had a stroke. He blacked out again and killed his best friend in the driveway of his apartment building.

It’s never okay to “wait until there’s an accident.” Older drivers who are losing their ability to drive safely often don’t recognize it, or they can’t face the terrible thought of giving up their independence and control.

With the prevalence of dementia in our aging population, the effect of memory loss and concentration on driving is bringing us face to face with this problem more than ever. What we know from observing aging drivers is that some of them need help in reaching the decision to stop driving.

Sometimes loss of the ability to drive a car is a life-changing event, as elders can no longer maintain themselves at home without transportation. Denial is a very common reaction to the early warning signs of becoming a dangerous older driver. Denial can occur both among the elderly, who may become frantic at the idea of this privilege being taken away, and in their adult children, who then must deal with the potential burden of transporting aging parents.

If your aging parent’s driving skills are deteriorating, try these six tips to help handle this emotionally difficult issue:

1. Timing can be critical to your success. Approach the subject respectfully and at the best time of day for your parent. Ask if it’s okay to talk about this now. Don’t wait for a perfect time. There isn’t one.
2. Show concern. Bring up the issue of driving while you express caring and concern for how difficult it must be for your parent to even talk about it. But gently insist if your parent changes the subject.
3. Get your parent to a physical checkup. Encourage your aging parent to see a doctor to find out what physical problems could be affecting driving. Some elders need a change in medication or other treatment to improve alertness, vision, or the ability to attend to detail in driving. Go with your parent to the doctor if you can.
4. Use the doctor’s words. If the doctor concurs that your aging parent should give up the keys, you can make the doctor the reason you urge limiting driving or giving up driving. Many seniors trust the doctor and will listen.
5. Make sure your parent can still get around. Research alternative kinds of transportation where your parent lives. If he or she is in a rural area, it may not be easy, but family, neighbors, and church or religious organization members may be willing to help. Taxis, valet services, senior transport, and public transportation can also solve the problem.
6. Be honest. Don’t sneak or disable the car behind your parent’s back. That’s disrespectful and can backfire.

The subject of driving is a charged one in my family, too. My mother-in-law is 88 and still drives. She lives alone and probably would have to consider a different living arrangement if she could no longer drive. I’ve been in the car with her to check out her skills. So far, so good. She is voluntarily self-limiting driving at night and long distances.

As she ages, we’ve started to have conversations about giving up the car. It would devastate her to be without wheels, and my husband and I worry about this. At least, in her retirement community, there’s a van that takes people to the grocery store and appointments. We know she can take taxis, and there are friends who are still driving on the freeway and at night, which helps.

We know that we will do what we must when the time comes. If you are struggling with this issue, you can find my step-by-step plan for how to handle it. Download the 50-page How to Handle a Dangerous Older Driver plan or get it in print. It can save you a lot of aggravation.

Talking to your aging parents with a plan in mind and a thoughtful approach can make it easier. Adult kids’ support and preventive action can keep us all safer.

Learn more about your aggravating aging parent problems at AgingParents.com.