Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My mother is in mid- to late-stage Alzheimer’s. She is in a very good nursing home, and I visit her almost every day. She breaks my heart because she keeps saying she wants to go home. Her home was sold because she couldn’t live in it. What do I say? —Gwen

Dear Gwen: This is a heart-wrenching problem many people face. The fact is, most people with dementia who keep saying they want to go home really want to go to the home they grew up in. Their minds are back in their youth.

Even if you could take your mother to the home she lived in before the nursing home, she would likely say the same thing. I’ve had many home caregivers tell me that, even though their parent lives with them, or they live with their parent, the same thing occurs. They keep hearing, “I want to go home.”

First, you’ll have to accept the fact that this won’t change, at least not until she moves past this stage. She wants to go home, and she likely wants her parents. You can’t fix this for her, so you need to arm yourself with the knowledge that she isn’t asking you do something you could do if only you were a better caregiver. She is asking the impossible.

How to handle this? Your best approach is to try to distract her. If the facility has birds, an aquarium, plants, or a garden, you can perhaps just guide her there and start to talk about what you are seeing.

Keep photo albums in her room. The further back they go, the better. Pull out an album, look at pictures, and talk about the people. The photos may look familiar to her, since that could be how she remembers people.

The techniques known as distraction and redirection are good tools. They don’t always work, but nothing is a given. Some people simply won’t be distracted from their obsession and redirected to something new. Even if this works, don’t expect it to last because it won’t. It’s a temporary fix.

I’ve known people who would take their elder for a ride around the block and say, “Oh, now we’re home.” That’s inconvenient, but it has helped some. Again, it won’t last. You will have to lovingly detach your heart and understand that this is a phase. It’s not something you can fix. Be patient and try to distract her. Beyond that, there’s not much you can do.