Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

I received a book in the mail that definitely lives up to the accompanying press release. The Daughter Trap: Taking Care of Mom and Dad and . . . You is written by Laurel Kennedy, founder of the boomer consulting firm Age Lessons. Kennedy has an impressive résumé in the business world, but our concern is elder care.

Bold and informative, Daughter Trap is likely to annoy or even anger some readers, but most will nod their heads with some understanding of Kennedy’s thesis that it’s the women who become caregivers, whether or not they are ready, willing, or even realistically able.

Kennedy makes a valid point that the traditional concept that women should take over elder care is left from a time when extended families lived together and most women stayed at home. Now, most women have outside employment, yet the expectation remains that women will be the caregivers.

Personally, I do believe most of us who take on the caregiving role do so out of love. Yes, most caregivers are women. Whether this is nature or nurture can be discussed without end. More men than before are taking on caregiving, but in the 200-plus interviews Kennedy conducted with caregivers, she found that many men who claimed to be caregivers basically wrote out a check.

Kennedy pulls no punches when she expresses her views, and she makes valid points. An interviewer quotes Kennedy as saying, “The caregiver trifecta is time, money and emotional stress . . . to a person the women . . . felt that they were shortchanging everybody, and satisfying nobody by taking on the caregiving burden.”

When asked what female caregivers wanted most, the answer, not surprisingly, was “help.” “They feel like they’re doing it all alone . . . that the entire caregiving burden rests on their shoulders.”

Daughter Trap isn’t negative. It is not anti-caregiving, a fact made clear in the preface: “Writing this book was an act of love, and an act of desperation.” I believe many caregivers, writers or not, will understand what she is talking about.

Kennedy believes in spreading the work around, getting families involved, finding resources to help with care, and supporting each other. She addresses sibling rivalry, which far too often rears its ugly head during parent care. She gives people permission to feel bad. She suggests positive moves to make caregiving easier and applauds many modern technical innovations, right up to using robots for some care needs.

Daughter Trap was written from the heart as well as the head. There’s no doubt in my mind that Kennedy knows elder care from hands-on experience. Published by Thomas Dunn Books, Daughter Trap is available online and in bookstores.