Dad Likely Would Say I Did Okay
Happy Father's Day, Dad
Many of you are caring for the father who once cared for you. You see him partially paralyzed from a stroke, or you see his once-vital brain diminished by dementia. You are doing your very best to care for him. But you wonder, “Am I doing well enough?”
Whether you are a distance caregiver or an in-town caregiver giving hands-on care, you will likely have moments of self-doubt.
My dad had brain surgery that had, as the medical people put it, a “poor outcome.” He went into surgery a little fuzzy from fluid buildup because of scar tissue from a World War II head injury. The shunt inserted into his brain ended up working, but somehow, whether because of scar tissue or the anesthetic, he came out of the surgery with severe dementia.
For the most part, I feel I’ve dealt with my grief over the immediate loss of my dad as he once had been. I am certain, also, that I’ve dealt with the grief of losing him physically, through death. As a matter of fact, his death was a kind of relief because I appreciated his release from intense psychic and physical pain. However, there are times when the mix of emotions—love, loss, relief, gratitude—can well up unbidden and nearly overwhelm me. Last week, while I was waiting in line for some prescriptions at a local drugstore, was one of those times.
As I was digging in my purse for my checkbook, I heard a woman’s voice say, “Hi, Carol!” I looked up into the face of one of the wonderful caregivers both my mom and my dad had while living in the Rosewood on Broadway long-term care facility (Fargo, North Dakota). I couldn’t help but throw myself at her with a hug as I fought back tears.
I’ve spoken to many groups of family caregivers and professionals in the field. On occasion, I’ll choke up when speaking of my parents’ painful last years. I deal with it and move on. I’ve accepted that those years have become a part of who I am.
As I think of my dad today, I want to ask him, “Did I do okay? I wasn’t a perfect caregiver, but I did my best. Was I good enough?” My kind parents, being who they were, would likely say, “You did well.”
On this Father’s Day, I will try to let go of my perfectionism and know that I did my imperfect best. I know my parents would want that.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad.
Published June 20, 2010
