Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: As usual, you are right on target about caregivers needing help. It wasn't very many months ago that I was convinced I could do everything that needed to be done "my own self," as one of our kids used to say. Now I realize I can barely function if "my Jennifer" from the in-home agency doesn't come at least once a week to stay with my wife while I run errands or shop. Both of our sons climbed aboard once they heard I was considering getting caregiving help. They also encouraged me when I pondered the possibility of getting occasional cleaning help. Your suggestion that sometimes "good enough" is a satisfactory replacement for "perfectly done” has also helped me.

The willingness, indeed the necessity, of being flexible in setting expectations and goals is probably the key to a caregiver’s survival. All of the above reduce the building of stress. I don't feel stressed, but when I analyze some of my actions, or lack thereof, I can sometimes detect evidence that I am, at times, stressed. I now say to myself, "Time to get more help from Jennifer" or ""help with cleaning.” Or I may say, "I'll have one of our sons help me with that next time they are home."

Anyway, we continue to survive, day after day, thanks, in part, to the stream of good advice and steady flow of suggestions and encouragement from your pen (or I suppose, today, from your computer). —Bob

Dear Bob: Thank you for your kind words. You said it so beautifully that, with your permission, I’m using your note to help others.

I, too, resisted letting others care for my elders. My loved ones were so vulnerable that it seemed necessary to be on hand at all times. However, I eventually learned that I had to let go a little.

My sister was diligent about driving into town on weekends to see our parents. I should have taken those days off (as she encouraged me to do), but I rarely did. Eventually, however, I did learn to let an occasional day go by without physically being there. The staff cared for them well, and I knew it. But it was still hard.

Caregivers often find it difficult to recognize their stress levels until it shows up in their own health issues, forgetfulness, irritability, or other clues. Yes, our loved ones are vulnerable. But so are caregivers. I’m glad you are recognizing the need for help.