Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My dad has mid-stage Alzheimer’s. I visit regularly to give my mom a break from caregiving. Mom seems to handle the changes in Dad quite well, but I’m ashamed to say I often don’t. I know the disease is the reason he is so difficult, but sometimes I just lose it. I get angry and yell at him, and then we both feel bad. How can I stop? —Jenny

Dear Jenny: First of all, while you aren’t a bad person, you do have to understand that yelling at someone who can’t help what he is doing is abusive. You already know that or you wouldn’t have written.

I think some education would help. Ask the doctor to show you your dad’s brain scans. Even by looking at brain scans on the Internet of other people with Alzheimer’s disease, you can see the damage this disease does to the brain. Seeing these graphic images should help you understand the physical changes in your dad’s brain. Sometimes seeing these scans can help a person understand the disease better than just hearing or reading about it.

You seem to understand that you aren’t angry with your dad—you are angry with the disease. That being said, your dad suffers from your anger, so you do need to get help. Call the Alzheimer’s Association (1-800-272-3900) for information and training. Talk with someone there about your behavior.

The fact that you know it’s wrong to yell at your dad and that you let loose when your mom isn’t there to witness it shows you have some control. You have to face this behavior squarely and change, or you shouldn’t accept the role of caregiver to your dad.

It’s encouraging that you want to change. Maybe you should tell your mom that you aren’t ready to care for your dad because you are having trouble coping with his changes. Tell her you are getting education and that you hope you will become better at caregiving. Then look to friends or an in-home agency to give your mom some relief.

You’ll feel better about yourself if you get help and can learn to be kinder to your dad. However, accept that you may or may not ever be a person capable of coping with Alzheimer’s behavior alone. If you can’t trust yourself to treat your dad patiently and with compassion, please don’t take on the role of active caregiver. Find paid help or some other way to help your mom cope with the stress of caregiving.