Courtesy of JewishSacredAging.com

I write this as my week of shiva begins to wind down. Shiva is the week of hard mourning that follows the burial. In Jewish tradition it is a week where one refrains from just about everything and allows community and family to slowly accompany a mourner through the first stages of what we now call "grief work". This shiva is being observed for my mom who died on July 25 and was buried on the 26th.

It has been 20 years since I last did this, that time for my dad. Things are different. As someone reminded me, "remember, you are 20 years older." Thanks!

It is different to be, as I told one colleague, on the other side of the casket. The embrace of family and community has been healing. The sight of people whom I have not seen in years has been gratifying. The memories and stories and laughter all have helped ease the transition and mask some sadness. My mom's death came at the end of almost a year of watching dementia slowly take a proud independent self assured woman, and turn her into a frail, bed ridden, totally dependant shadow. In truth, I began the mourning process last Fall, when the reality of her situation became evident. As I said somewhere in the eulogy, "she had 94 good years, and 1 1/2 not so good."

But, one morning this week, sitting quietly while having a cup of coffee; a new feeling slowly crept into my soul. It is here now and I find it uncomfortable. It was the dawning reality that I am now a member of the "orphan" club. Both parents have died. This is a club I did not wish to join. But, as we will be reminded soon on the High Holidays, on this we have no choice. I have no doubt that some of you reading this are also members. Membership requires no special attributes, not even major donations. It is open to all, regardless of background. Let me say that, as a new member, so far I do not like it.

What I hope, however, is that as time works its magic, this new status can help focus some of my own life to examine priorities. The cliche's are true. Family, children, grandchildren really are the priorities. Doing something in the world that gives one meaning and a sense of passion must be part of this next life chapter. Who knows? I imagine that I will find out if this new club really does have any benefits. The "cost" of membership is very dear and I am wondering if it is worth it. I imagine that time will tell.

Shalom,
Rabbi Richard F. Address, D.MIn