The Role of Adult Children

Let's discuss the role children often play in this process. They sometimes have a "blind spot," too. They think of their parents as getting older but never being old. Then, one day, they look up and discover that their parents are old and frail. The children see that Mom and Dad are struggling with the daily chores of life, perhaps starting to have obvious memory problems and no longer able to handle all that is required to live in their home independently. This is both a sad and troubling moment for the kids. The children begin the painful discussion about what to do.

Finally, what I characterize as "The Telephone Call" takes place. The children get on a conference call together and attempt to answer the question: "What are we going to do with Mom and Dad? They can't possibly live by themselves in their house any longer." It may be too late to consider independent living in a retirement community. The physical and medical needs of the parent(s) may already be so great that a different level of care is required. A key window of opportunity has been missed. Often this results in anxiety while the children move the parents from one facility to another as the care needs rapidly increase.

We have seen this happen in our own extended family. The kids may be required to expend inordinate amounts of time and effort trying to find new, appropriate care facilities as the health of the parents quickly diminishes. This type of situation may create serious financial burdens, inordinate guilt and a terrible sense of frustration as the children try to give their parents a reasonable and dignified quality of life in a downward spiraling environment.

In different circumstances, the children may recognize an impending need for their parents to get resituated while time and general health are still present. This is usually better than the first situation but some parents may complain that, "I'm living here in this retirement community because my kids forced me into it." This may still result in problems but they can eventually be dealt with by everyone.