Questions and Objections

Soon it may be your turn to answer questions and objections from your friends. Here is what you might say when you are faced with these questions:

"You are so young and healthy!"

Yes, that's true and we are very grateful for that. But, you know, we might not stay healthy forever. We find it very comforting that our continuing care community allows us to migrate from our current independent living status into assisted living, skilled nursing and even a memory unit if and when we should require that in the future. We don't ever have to move again because of these medical and care options.

"Why would you want to live with a bunch of old people on canes, walkers and scooters?"

We learned early on that our neighbors all had very interesting stories to tell and had led accomplished lives. Just about every new person we have met has enriched us with his or her wonderful life history. We've also learned that each of us ages at a much different rate. We have met a lot of very young 90-year-old people and a lot of very old folks who are 75. A person is not defined by a cane, walker or scooter. Many are very talented, intellectually stimulating and a lot of fun to be with.

"What did you do with all the lovely things you had in your home?"

We sold them or gave them away. Our children really didn't want much of what we had except for small mementos. We thought a lot of our stuff was important but learned that it wasn't. We didn't want the final years of our lives to be focused on material things. We learned that hearses don't tow U-haul trailers behind them. Our lives are not defined by what we have accumulated. We want our lives to be defined by who we are.

"You've given up your shop in the garage, your garden and so much freedom."

That really isn't the case at all. We have a lovely, well-equipped shop on our campus. There are several people available to help me learn how to use the equipment and guide me through projects. I've actually learned how to do a lot more things since moving here. As for gardens, planting areas are made available to those who enjoy growing things. It's fun to do your gardening in a relaxed social setting where your neighbor may be able to give you some tips that make your efforts even more successful. We actually feel freer since we no longer have to worry about the care of our own home and property.

"Geez—it costs so much money; how can you afford to live there?"

(NOTE: Every continuing care retirement community has a different financial model. You must examine the buy-in fees, monthly charges and what they cover, plus other financial considerations. For the purpose of this monograph, the author refers to the situation at his CCRC. It is up to the reader to determine the financial model at different CCRCs.)

When we sold our home, the equity was more than sufficient to cover the buy-in fee. In addition, most of the buy-in fee will be returned to our estate except in very unusual circumstances. In planning our move to this CCRC, we carefully considered what would be covered by the monthly charges and what items would be eliminated as an expense to us. For example, we no longer have to pay property tax, a gardener, home repair costs, utility bills (except for telephone), homeowner's insurance (replaced with a low-cost renter's policy) or arborists, or buy new appliances occasionally—the list of things we don't have to pay for is quite long.

On the other hand, lots of things are included in our monthly charges, such as 20 meals per month per person in our dining rooms, maid service every two weeks to clean our apartment, a yearly deep cleaning, all repairs and maintenance to our unit, a complete wellness center with up-to-date fitness equipment, a swimming pool, a long list of activities, medical and shopping transportation, classes, entertainment, exercise programs—that list goes on and on, too.

When we netted all the financial pluses and minuses after the first year in the CCRC, we determined that we had spent about $10,000 less on daily living items than we had the last year we were in our house. No, we don't think it is expensive to live here; it's a bargain. Sure, monthly fees will escalate about 5% per year but that is comparable to normal inflation we all face.

"Aren't you giving up a lot of privacy?"

If you seek privacy ("I want to be left alone"), it is very easy to find here. All of us have a cocoon called our apartment or villa. You are not bothered by anyone in your own living unit. If you disdain the social interaction that occurs in the hallways, restaurants, the wellness center and other gathering places, that is your choice and no one will nag you about it. On the other hand, there are numerous opportunities every day to meet new people, swap life stories, enjoy one another's company over a shared meal and glass of wine and just celebrate life. Early on in our stay, one veteran resident said to us jokingly, "You'll find that some of the inmates don't come out of their cells very often." They certainly are able to maintain the privacy they desire. As for us, the social interaction is one of the very best things about living in our retirement community. We have never felt so much a part of a vibrant community as we do in this place.

"Where you live, death is just around every corner."

For once, I agree with your premise. Yes, all of us here are old (whatever that means) and some are already quite infirm. Each of us has lived longer than we are going to live. There are two ways of dealing with that reality. First, we can assume an attitude of impending doom and worry day and night about when the Grim Reaper is coming for us. That seems to me to be a pretty negative and gloomy way to anticipate the rest of our lives. On the other hand, we can awake each morning and count our blessings for another day, for time to accomplish some little—or big—objective, to enjoy our friends, to make a contribution to our world. To be death denying seems pretty futile to me. All of us know we won't get out of here alive. Why not savor each new day, hoping that our presence adds a small measure of happiness to someone else's life? Each of us has no idea when our last day will come. So why worry about it? Live life to the fullest as best you are able.

"I don't want to interact with my neighbors every day."

Look at my comments above about privacy. The same thing applies to this comment.

"I can count on my kids to help me out when that may be required."

Of course you can; they love you and want what is best for you. But, is that what you want to do? Do you wish to burden them with caring for you while, at the same time, they are probably raising their own families and are at the most productive time in their careers? Do you want them to sacrifice a substantial amount of time (and, perhaps, money) diverting these resources away from their lives and focusing on you? In some cases, that may be necessary and often the children will step up and provide loving care for their aged, frail parents. After all, the parents might say, we took care of them until they were on their own. Why shouldn't they return the favor now that we need it?

Let's look at this a different way. When my wife and I decided to move into a CCRC, it was just before Christmas. We told each of our six children that our decision represented the most significant gift we had ever given to them. Never will they experience the gut-wrenching anxiety of trying to figure out what to do with us. We are in a safe place now. No matter what the future might bring, we can receive the level of end-of-life care that we need. The kids need never worry about that again. Some of our children had already gone through tough experiences with in-laws. They understood—and explained to their siblings—what a wonderful gift this truly was.

Don't burden your children with your elderly care. They will be anxious and troubled enough as they walk with you to the end.

"You're going to cut yourself off from all your old friends and neighbors."

Come on, that's just nonsense. When you moved to a new home or town earlier in life, did you stop staying in touch with friends and neighbors? Of course, you may not see them as often but you still maintain a relationship. Our CCRC was about 10 miles from where we previously lived. We still see old neighbors and friends and delight in entertaining them here in our home and our community's restaurants. You will only be cut off from old friends and neighbors if you want to be.

"Eating institutional food every day—I would hate that."

So would we. We may be luckier than many but our restaurants offer us a wide variety of well-prepared food served by young, attentive waiters and waitresses. Each night, in our main dining room, we have a choice of 5-6 entrees, several salads and soups and luscious desserts. In the more casual restaurant, there are also a variety of interesting choices. Recall I said that part of our monthly fee was 20 meals per person per month. Because we have a complete kitchen in our apartment, we often prepare several meals to eat at home during the month. We also take the opportunity to go to nearby restaurants for an occasional night on the town. Sometimes all of us hunger for good old comfort food—a tuna noodle casserole or spaghetti and meatballs. We make those at home and sometimes invite neighbors to join us in our unit for dinner. No need to eat institutional food everyday if you are careful about choosing the right facility for your tastes.

We don't want to come across as self-righteous know-it-alls who have all the answers to elderly living arrangements. Frankly, it is easy to become "preachy" after you have lived in a CCRC for a while. We do sincerely believe that the last couple of years have been the best of our lives.

Not everything is perfect and we try to work with the management and staff to correct things that can cause problems. A Residents' Council and a number of committees of residents look at every aspect of how we live our lives here. We don't run the place—there is a management group to do that. But our voices are heard and often we can effect changes that we think are important.

We really care about our friends who are still living in their own homes. No, a CCRC is not for everyone. However, everyone needs to have a plan in place for dealing with advanced age. While that cannot be denied, in reality, so many people are in denial about what might, could or will happen to them if they live long enough. For all the readers of this monograph who are in their late sixties, seventies or early eighties and trying to figure out "what's next," visit some CCRCs in your area. Ask questions. Have a meal there. Take your kids along so they can see the place, too. Get a rate card. Attend one of their open houses. Seriously think about how this type of arrangement might work for you. Good luck!