Our Two-Part Mantra

By Greg Hadley

I am writing this with a bias. My wife and I moved into a continuing care retirement community (CCRC) two years ago when we were in our early seventies. Since selling our home and going through the downsizing required, we have had many conversations with friends and relatives who still live independently in their own homes and apartments. Frankly, a large portion of these people think we were foolish to move. Their arguments come at us from many directions.

• "You two are both so young and healthy!"
• "Why would you want to live with a bunch of old people on canes, walkers and scooters?"
• "What did you do with all the lovely things you had in your home?"
• "You've given up your shop in the garage, your garden and so much freedom."
• "Geez—it costs so much money; how can you afford to live there?"
• "Aren't you giving up a lot of privacy?"
• "Where you live, death is just around every corner."
• "I don't want to interact with my neighbors every day."
• "I can count on my kids to help me out when that may be required."
• "You're going to cut yourself off from all your old friends and neighbors."
• "Eating institutional food every day—I would hate that."

And then the last, and most dismissive, comment always is:

"Well, it might be a good idea for you; perhaps we will start to give it some thought in the next few years."

A classic definition of old age: "Ten years older than you are today." Sometime between retirement from daily working for a living and the onset of chronic illnesses that often occur in old age, most people develop a serious "blind spot." They say to themselves: My spouse and I are getting along pretty well. Sure, we have some aches and pains, but most people do in their late sixties or early seventies. We have planned our retirement income so that we can lead a comfortable life style. We are still enjoying travel. Our home is comfortable and a perfect place to display all the wonderful things we have accumulated in our lives. We enjoy the freedom and opportunities for fun and relaxation that are presented to us. Yes, things are pretty good and we expect them to continue that way for the foreseeable future. In other words, why should we change now when things are going so well?

This is not only a false premise but a dangerous one, too. Time drones on inexorably. We may be drifting along on a tranquil river of life, but someplace ahead of us we are almost sure to encounter white water rapids or even a waterfall. No matter how much we may deny this fact, it is true that nothing stays the same. While we are healthy and vigorous today, it cannot stay that way forever. All of us know this intellectually but we are reluctant to accept it emotionally. Acceptance of this truism forces us to face our mortality. It also forces a review of alternative future courses of action, some of which may be difficult or unpleasant.

I told you I speak with a bias. Since making our decision about our future (we obviously believe we made the correct call) we have a two-part mantra that we earnestly impress on our friends:

• Make the move to retirement community living while you are still a couple.
• Do it while you are still able to deal with this major life change physically, emotionally and mentally.

We can regale you with story after story about people who did not heed our mantra. Women have told us about trying to convince their husbands to move to a retirement community—with no success. Then, after the man died, the woman was forced to complete the move on her own. Believe me, it is a much tougher move made alone.

Disregarding the second part of the mantra is even more evident. People wait, procrastinate and dawdle until there is really no alternative left except leaving their home and moving to a place that provides required care. We have many examples of folks who were absolutely overwhelmed just by the thought of organizing a move out of their home. Not only do they now lack the skills to plan such an event but they cannot bear the thought of leaving their "stuff" and downsizing. In this case, the move often becomes a major problem for their children and grandchildren. There is seldom a satisfactory outcome when new living arrangements become a requirement instead of a choice.