Aging Positively

Because of the importance of job identification, Schwalbe tells men not to retire. “I believe (retirement) is an American myth,” he said. “If you do retire, be sure you have something to go into where you still make a difference and will make you feel worthwhile. It’s an identification, and a man desperately needs that.”

That’s one way of making aging more rewarding. Another is accepting the idea of preventive medicine. “Men are the worst patients in the world, unless something significant is going on,” he said. “If men live a healthy life, most diseases, if caught early enough, can be dealt with effectively.”

Men also have to change their expectations, he said. “A man cannot go on living in his late 50s as he did in his 40s.” But being in his 50s and 60s doesn’t make him an old man, either. “Men have to be able to look at their lives and say, ‘I have achieved things in my life that a man in his 40s cannot achieve. I am able to wake up in the morning and feel good about being in this world,’” he said.

“Have positive expectations. I deal with men all the time, and I hear what their fantasies are about being in their late 50s and early 60s, and I get them to look at reality—and the reality is, they’re not old men. Yes, they get tired earlier and can’t stay up.” But it’s all about self-acceptance. “Don’t fight it. Accept it.”

But if there’s one overall piece of advice Schwalbe could give men to help promote positive aging, it would be to start talking with other men about the things that are eating at them.

Women will talk about aging issues with their friends, but “men don’t talk about it,” he said. “Men can be close buddies for years and years, whether at the workplace or in the locker room, but they won’t talk about intimate issues. They won’t talk about sexual problems, that their stamina isn’t what it once was.

“Talk it out. That can turn things around. Get involved with other men, and talk about what is going on. It is so affirming.”

And maybe women would start understanding them better, too. Schwalbe laughed when I asked him what women most misunderstand about men at this stage of life. He hadn’t been asked that question before. His answer was more general. “I don’t think women are sensitive enough to what men are going through with aging and mortality,” he said, but added quickly, “I don’t think that has to do with a lack of sensitivity on the woman’s part but a lack of knowledge. That’s because a man doesn’t talk about it.”

Schwalbe’s book covers mental and physical health, spirituality, grandparenting, substance abuse, caregiving, grief, finances, and more. For more information, visit his Web site.