When relationships become violent, you can help yourself and your family, according to Kim and Steve Cooper.

“Telling a partner to ‘just leave’ shifts responsibility onto the victim and can escalate the violence and deter a partner from seeking help,” they say in their book Back from the Looking Glass: Living with the Disorder that Causes Emotional and Domestic Abuse.

The authors have these important tips for anyone in a domestically violent relationship:

1. Do not isolate yourself. Get out and meet people. Let church and community leaders, including the domestic violence officer at your local police station, know that you are having troubles.
2. Get help before you are ready to leave or get divorced. Early intervention can save your marriage.
3. If you decide to leave, get good advice, support, and protection first. More partners are injured or killed during the two months after leaving than at any other time.
4. Marriage counseling is not advised for couples with domestic violence issues. Intervention is much more important and beneficial.
5. Do not wait until you are upset or in danger to talk to the police. Ask to see your local domestic violence officer when you are calm and clear headed. Get advice first on what help to ask for. At home, call the police as soon as the intimidation begins.
6. Give time and attention to your kids and don’t ask them to take sides. Forgetting about your troubles and focusing instead on giving interest and attention to your children will help bring you all closer.
7. Do not think that things will get better by themselves. Thinking that you can say or do something different “next time” doesn't work. You need to take action for things to improve.