So often I have heard people say, “I was going about my day, and then I
got the phone call that an accident (or murder, suicide, or drunk
driver) took someone I love. What do I do now? How do I go on?"

When my college-age son Aaron was murdered in 1999, I asked myself the same question.

It has taken many years to answer them, and still the questions
remain. But I do know there were certain things that helped in the
beginning and that I still call upon in my journey today.

When violence takes the life of someone you love, you will have to
cross the deep ocean of grief. It is a treacherous journey and you will
need what I call "life preservers" to keep you from drowning. Courage
heads the list of life preservers.

Why? Because in the beginning, it takes a huge amount of courage just
to face the day. Your faith may be wavering, you may not feel hope, but
you can summon the courage to put one foot in front of the other—and
survive.

What does courage mean? I think of it as the commitment to live. No
simple task this, considering that often, we feel like dying or giving
up after we lose someone we love.

It takes courage to stay, to do the hard work of grief and not allow
yourself to run away. Many of you do not think of yourself as
courageous, but a violent loss changes all that.

Crossing the ocean of grief requires all the courage you have. How will you find this quality?

First, make a commitment in the morning to live today. Tell yourself
you have the courage to face this day—and continue to tell yourself you
will live today. Sometimes, we have to pretend until it is true.

Second, read stories about others who have found courage when they
needed it. Think, for example, of Anne Frank or perhaps someone you
know who has faced a hard event in their lives and persevered.
Literature abounds with heroes, who simply chose to live, instead of
giving up. Find a picture, symbol, or saying that reminds you of
courage, and keep it where you can see it.

And remember that often it is the small acts that show us the most
courage. It is not the daredevils and mountain climbers that we need to
be like. Rather, we are the people of small victories, like getting out
of bed and combing our hair, when we would rather stay in bed; or
making a phone call we need to make, when we would rather do nothing;
or reaching out to someone who can help, instead of isolating.

Courage comes in the small minutes and hours of the day when your grief
seems too strong and you wish it would all go away. Remember this, you
are already courageous, you are here today.