Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: My mom is 93 years old, and she’s making mistakes with her checkbook. She hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, but she may have it. She’s always been very independent and proud of how she manages money. How do I approach her, and how do I take over without a fight? ~ Dreading the Thought

Dear Dreading: If your mother is showing other signs of dementia, such as poor judgment or forgetting what common items are used for or if she is having trouble remembering daily tasks, she may indeed have dementia. At her age, however, some memory issues are likely.

Most people, as they age, should appoint a Power Of Attorney to handle their financial and medical affairs. It’s surprising, however, how many people don't follow through with this planning.

Your mom reminds me of my grandmother, who was extremely proud of her money management skills. Indeed, she was a good business woman at a time when many women didn't manage money at all. However we are all mortal. There comes a time for most of us when we need help with some living skills. It sounds like your mom has come to this time, yet she hasn't put the legal documents into place.

This means that you likely will have the "fight" you dread. Your mom may think you are trying to take over her life. Much depends on how you approach her. I would suggest that you find someone outside of the family, say a clergy person or a family friend she trusts, and have that person talk with her. Often, nonfamily members are helpful since the family dynamics are removed.

You also should have your mom’s doctor evaluate her for dementia. If her dementia tests are positive, the doctor may prescribe medications that can help some people with dementia symptoms. However, given your mom’s age, she may just have normal memory lapses. Also, part of her problem with the checkbook could be that she needs her vision checked.

Whatever the issue, it’s important for her to realize that she needs to appoint someone to pay her bills in her name if she must go to the hospital, or if she declines in other ways. She also needs a Power Of Attorney for health care so you, or someone of her choice, can make health decisions for her if she cannot do so for herself.

Good luck. This isn't going to be a walk in the park, but it’s a necessary step in the process.