Courtesy of Minding Our Elders

Dear Carol: Dad has dementia and has declined rapidly during the past few years. I feel he should be in assisted living for care, but Mom refuses to move with him.

They are both the same age, but Mom is an active 50-year-old and quite vain about it. Recently, she told us that she hasn’t really loved Dad for a long time, and that she won’t move to assisted living with him. She did say she would visit him. However, I know he would d be heartbroken if he had to move without her. Both parents have told us that their plans are their business. It seems that Mom is being selfish, but I feel both of them are entitled to happiness. What do we do? - Emily

Dear Emily: Is your mom your dad’s primary caregiver? If so, she has been caring for him for several years and it is possible that she has burned out from giving him increasingly more care. Please remember that not everyone is cut out for a caregiving role, and even someone who does it well can get to a point where they can no longer do it alone.

Many aging couples have a great disparity as to their health. Since people do age differently, often one spouse needs the help of a care facility long before the other one does. Your dad’s dementia is most likely affecting his decision-making ability, and he probably fears being alone.

It is possible that your mom no longer loves her husband, but it is also possible that her feelings stem from sheer exhaustion after caring for your dad. Also, her social life has likely been limited, which is unhealthy for her.

If she gets a break from caring for his needs, she may realize that the love is still there.

Do your parents have any non-family members who can discuss this with them?

A member of the clergy or a trusted friend may be able to help your dad understand that his moving to assisted living, while your mom stays in their home, may be the best thing for them both.

Since your parents are so far apart in their health care needs, and your mom, at least, feels it is no longer a close marriage, your dad may need to move for his own good. In-home help from an agency is a good option for many, but it sounds as though your mom wants and needs to live her own life, so it is important to accept that they may need separate living arrangements.