Death of a Child: Learning from the Travolta Family’s Tragedy

Acknowledge the feelings and experience the pain, but not by yourself

No one should have to bury a child, a universal truth that will never be cliché. Nothing is worse than the death of your son or daughter. It haunts you forever.

I know from secondhand experience, after my parents had to do just that when my sister died in an auto accident in her twenties. The Travoltas know firsthand. You can only try to cope. But how? What common lessons can be learned from such an unthinkable tragedy?

If they are like most, they will feel guilty. Seeing the past television interviews, it is clear the Travoltas thought they had somehow been responsible for their son getting Kawasaki disease when a child. Although the cause of this disease is unknown, it appeared they were convinced it was their incessant carpet cleaning and the chemicals used that were the culprit. Whether the disease had anything to do with his death is uncertain, but whatever the cause, they will feel guilt. Surely, they could have done something, they will think.

Also, they will look for someone or something else to blame. Whether it is conscious or not, we all think there must be a reason for horrible events. Unfortunately, most look at the ones closest to them. Divorces are frequent after the death of a child.

They will go through stages of grief. In 1969, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, wrote an excellent book called On Death and Dying. She had spent countless hours with people at various stages of dying and noted five common stages they went through. Those who endure a loved one’s death experience similar stages.

1. Denial: You think, this is not really happening. It is a mistake.
2. Anger: You blame God or (fill in the blank). You ask, why me?
3. Bargaining: You promise to be a better person, if only for a second chance.
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

The goal is to work through the first four and reach number five. Not everyone does.

With the sudden death of a loved one, all of these stages are bunched up, condensed, confused. They crop up at unpredictable times, later, and can last a lifetime.

It is important to acknowledge these feelings and experience the pain—but not by yourself. Talk to a counselor or someone you trust. Maybe you can find someone who has experienced similar heartbreak. You won’t be able to suppress the feelings. They will manifest sometime, somehow, and often in very unhealthy ways.

Has anyone else been through similar circumstances? Do you have suggestions, tips, experiences?


By James Hubbard, MD, MPH
My Family Doctor Blog

[Originally posted January 5, 2009, James Hubbard’s My Family Doctor Web site.]