A Good Enough Daughter
As a professional in the field of aging, Sara had seen it all—until her own mother broke her hip at the age of 88 and became profoundly confused, unable to live in her own home. Join Sara on her journey through the strangeness that is dementia while trying to make sense of it all and finding humor in the details. [Editor's note: Sara no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
Whatever You Do, Don’t Do It Alone
Caregivers must reach out to each other
A shout out to those who shared their caregiving experiences related to residents’ boredom in long-term care.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about my concern for my mother (Help! My Mother Is Dying of Boredom). She receives excellent care but seems quite bored. Not sure what to do, I asked readers to send in their take on the subject and a few suggestions for how they have dealt with the issue.
Your comments reinforced for me an absolute truth in caregiving: family caregivers must reach out to others who have walked this road before.
While every family relationship is different, the situations and circumstances we encounter in the course of caregiving (I like to call it the Highway to Heaven) are often very similar. For example, at least a couple of emotional themes emerge and fade and reemerge later in different forms—guilt, helplessness, and anxiety are common. Understanding the emotional underpinnings of the process can be very helpful in gaining and maintaining emotional balance.
I’ll never forget a woman, a high-powered attorney and single mother, talking about not having done enough for her mother who had died three years earlier. This woman spent hours upon hours attempting to compensate for her mother’s diminishing ability to care for herself, whilst working full time in a major law firm and parenting a young daughter alone. With her mother dead three years, the woman was still crying tears of guilt for not having done more.
As for the issue at hand, my mother’s likelihood of boredom, I found Cheryl62’s suggestion helpful because it reminded me that a person living with dementia has, by definition, few short-term memories. Recollections of a very action-packed day will likely be lost the next morning. Those singers who came to visit a couple of days ago or that game played so robustly yesterday will be forgotten. Dementia is the very definition of living in the moment.
My strategy to continually reassure myself (my need for reassurance is one of my operating themes) that Mom is not dying of boredom, is to ask her, “Are you having a good time?” or “Are you being treated well?” or “Do you need me to do anything for you?” or “Are you happy?”
So far, never a complaint. Good enough.
By Sara Myers
A Good Enough Daughter Blog
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