What If Your Mother Doesn’t Think You’re Good Enough?

Three principles to see you through

Mostly, I write about being a daughter of a frail, dependent mother because that’s my life experience. My mother and I have been close for years, enjoying each other’s company and mutual respect. Now that she is 91 and lives with dementia, our relationship has changed, but the foundation we laid is seeing us through.

My sister-in-law, Becky, recently posed a question from a different perspective. What’s a daughter to do if she is not good enough in the mother’s eyes? What if the relationship is not so great between them?

When a parent begins frailing, a term used to describe physical failing due to frailty, a care-response is almost always automatically evoked in the daughter. (Yes, there are families who are emotionally distant and the care-response would be negligible; and yes, most sons feel the same.) So what’s a daughter to do when the relationship with the frailing parent is not good, but the situation clearly indicates a need for the daughter’s help?

Early on, determine if Mom (could be Dad, but I’ll use Mom) is eligible for Medicaid long-term care services. If she has more than a few thousand dollars in the bank, she is probably ineligible. With one call to the local Area Agency on Aging (AAA), a daughter can probably make the determination. This is important. If Mom is eligible for Medicaid, Mom gets a social worker and, in most states, help at home. (Click the foregoing link to find a AAA office near you.)

First principle: Involve as many professionals in aging as possible to buffer the relationship with Mom as she goes through changes in health status, living arrangements, and the loss of independence. Strongly encourage Mom to attend her local adult day center if there is one nearby. (To locate an adult day center in your area, visit the National Adult Day Services Web site.) Do your best to get her to the facility at least three times. Consult with the social worker there. Go with Mom, if possible, when she visits the doctor, and then call the doctor after the visit and work with him or her to develop the best care plan for Mom. Rather than the daughter, let the doc give suggestions and advice to Mom. If resources allow, bring in a private geriatric case manager. An invaluable asset, the privately paid case manager can help with resource identification and care plan development and implementation and help sort out difficult family conflicts around Mom’s care. Warning: to all daughters of troubled relationships with Mom, do not try family caregiving alone.

Second principle: If at all possible, hire it done. Mom needs help with dressing? Hire help. Mom needs help with showering? Hire help. Mom needs help with meal preparation or housekeeping? Hire help. Volunteers are wonderful. The local AAA can help with that too.

Third principle: Visit a good counselor and discuss this question: How can I, the daughter of a difficult mom, get through this phase of my relationship with my mother? Of course, it might be a good time to explore the long-term relationship with Mom. The goal would be to find a way to deal with the demands of the situation and the ability to ultimately say with conviction, “I tried my best to be a good enough daughter.”

And finally, we should be kind to our daughters, and in my case, my daughters-in-law.

By Sara Myers
A Good Enough Daughter Blog