A Good Enough Daughter
As a professional in the field of aging, Sara had seen it all—until her own mother broke her hip at the age of 88 and became profoundly confused, unable to live in her own home. Join Sara on her journey through the strangeness that is dementia while trying to make sense of it all and finding humor in the details.
Posted 12/26/2008
The Sacred Cloth
Passing on the cherished possessions
By Sara Myers
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It happened suddenly: multiple falls, a broken hip, profound confusion, and my monthly flights to Phoenix. Something had to give. Finally, my mother relented and agreed to move to a rehabilitation center near me. That problem was solved. Now, what to do with the condo and all the contents?
All daughter and son caregivers vow something like this: “I’m never going to leave my kids with responsibility to ________ (fill in the blank with whatever we plan to do so our kids won’t have the burden of doing it for us). In my case, my pledge is to never leave my kids with the responsibility of sorting out all my stuff. I’m going to give stuff away or otherwise get rid of stuff that’s not really important, long before I have to. At least, that’s my intention.
I had three days to empty the condo of my mother’s personal possessions, linens, clothes, and personal treasures accumulated over a lifetime. My friends Kathy and Jo and my cousin Shelly helped me. We had three piles—one for Goodwill, one for the dump, and one for things destined for my house on Bainbridge Island. If my mother saw how we managed her things, she would have had a stroke right then and there. I hated that task. I felt like I was dismantling my mother’s life. The entire effort stunk of disrespect. I was angry and resentful and tired. Then something wonderful happened.
While going through the linen closet, I found a small, square, embroidered cloth wrapped in tissue paper. When I unwrapped the package, I immediately recognized the cloth. It had belonged to my deceased grandmother. It was the cloth she used to drape over her small dresser, which served as a prayer altar. On top of the embroidered cloth, she would place a smaller white cloth, presumably to keep the embroidered cloth clean. On top of that, she placed two simple candleholders with short white candles inside. She would light the candles, and with closed eyes, quietly say her prayers in Hebrew, weaving back and forth as she held her tattered prayer book.
My Orthodox Jewish grandmother prayed twice a day, every day, beginning when she was a very young child. She died when she was 92. I don’t know how old the embroidered cloth is, but I recalled seeing it as a child, when my grandmother lived with us. I knew that the cloth was at least 57 years old—as old as I am now. If the cloth was 57 years old and my grandmother prayed every day over it for 57 years, there might have been as many as 41,610 prayers said over that cloth. Imagine.
The cloth was (is) sacred. I had found a family treasure. I carefully rewrapped the cloth and put it inside my suitcase for safekeeping. The rest of the day went more slowly, and I evaluated my mother’s things more carefully. I stopped now and then to savor the memories generated by an item of clothing or a piece of jewelry.
Last month, I attended my aunt’s funeral in San Francisco. I took the sacred cloth with me and gave it to my cousin Sharon, a very devout Jew. I knew she was the one who should have the cloth. She would best take care of it and carry on its purpose. When I gave her the cloth and told her of its history, she cried. I cried.
I now think that maybe my job wasn’t really about clearing out possessions. It was about passing on the cherished ones.
By Sara Myers
The Good Enough Daughter Blog
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The Sacred Cloth
A wonderful story---thank you, Sara.
Dear Mrs. Meyers,
Thank you so much for sharing so beautifully. There is so much tenderness and love in you. I can relate to the gift of the prayer cloth, since I was the recipient of my Aunt Caroline's Rosary beads. She prayed many rosaries daily for her loved ones and for the world. Each time I hold them, I feel very close to her and to God.
Reading this has made me promise myself to begin to distribute my possessions within the next month...actually by Feb 17, when I may fly to Ohio for my daughter's 50th birthday party. It may be difficult to do, since I am blessed with 5 children,one of whom is a bachelor, but I shall find a way, and will seek their input as to choices.
May the good Lord bless you and keep you,your family and your mom.
Gratefully,
Jewel(Julie)
A very poignant story, Sara, thankyou for sharing it. You brought tears to my eyes. It so important to plan for what we all know is coming. Difficult as it is, we must think of our children and what we'll put them through if we don't anticipate what's entirely predictiable.
It's surprising how a memento can bring back the past. The other day I was cleaning out the attic and found a trunk I'd forgotten all about. It was filled with my mother's old clothes which still carried a faint scent of the perfume she wore. Memories came flooding back, and I'm not ashamed to say I cried. Thanks for sharing your stories, Sara.
Thank you so much for your blog. I can relate to the pain of having to clean out a lifetime of belongings. I had to do the same shortly after my father passed away and my mother was coming to live with us. It was four decades of stuff packed into a house with two additions! Finally an "estate sales" person swindled me into believing she would help me, but preparing everything for an estate sale that she estimated would bring in twenty thousand dollars. Instead, she rented several huge dumpsters and then CHARGED me for the fee of hauling it all away. Nothing was sold or even attempted, just dumped. I managed to save our piano at the last minute and donate to a friend.
Prepare, prepare, prepare! People in grief have their heads spinning and it is hard to make solid decisions. I made two terrible decisions in this period and lost both money and precious possessions. (we were also ripped off by unethical cross-country movers who "lost" a bureau packed with heirlooms, like my mother's wedding dress)
Your comments on being a "good enough daughter" also moved me very much. My mother has not always been happy to move in with us, and that just may not be possible. But I'm trying to make things "good enough" for all of us.
I also write a monthly column on "Life in the Sandwich" at http://www.literarymama.com/columns/sandwich/. I'd love you to come visit there.
Sara? I hope you and your mother are doing well. I check often to see your posts. Haven't seen anything new for a while so I hope you're both okay. Take care and may God bless you.
This was a very remarkable story. I totally know what you mean by the obligation feeling of having to deal with all that. You are feeling one way and know that you should be feeling another. I blame our busy lives for that one. I recently had a friend who had a sister pass away and it was quite the ordeal for her sisters to deal with all the 'stuff'. Arguments arose and people's feeling were hurt. And what gets me is that the sister would have had the time to deal with it herself but didn't (4 year battle with cancer). I think that is something way more easier said than done. So, I propose that we make a promise with a close friend or relative that we will help each other attain that goal of not leaving that terrible job to others.