Old Age Unrecognizable to Many Elders

How could that be?

It must be hard to be old and pretend that you’re not—or maybe it’s not hard at all. “I never thought about getting old,” said my 92-year-old uncle at the funeral for his 94-year-old wife.

“How could that be?” I said, more as an exclamation than a question.

“I just never did,” was his explanation. I let it go. My mother said the same thing only a couple of years ago, when she was 89. I’m still amazed when I hear oldsters talk about getting old as though it will never happen to them. Getting old happens only to their friends, or to their parents, whom they may have cared for until death. The person expressing that opinion is, in some cases, very old!

Case in point: My neighbors, husband and wife, both in their 80s, live alone in a two-story house across the street from me. Beth (a pseudonym) has fallen a number of times and had a knee replacement. She walks laboriously most of the time, often carrying things up the stairs. She may or may not know that the mortality rate for women over the age of 65 who fall is somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 or 50%. More to the point, she does not want to know.

Beth is in desperate need of physical strengthening, which she would undoubtedly gain by regularly attending the new Adult Day Health Center on Bainbridge Island, where we both live. She is the quintessential client: old, lives with spouse, recent orthopedic surgery, weak, unstable, high risk for fall. Without exercises to build strength and balance, Beth will likely decline faster than she should and suffer a fall from which it will be difficult to recover. Thus, the burdens of Beth’s increased frailty will fall to her husband John (another pseudonym).

But Beth won’t talk about her condition or any services that would likely make both their lives easier. “I’m not there yet” is her time-tested response whenever I suggest something. That’s now. A few years ago, I tried to talk to them a little about staying in their house as they aged, given that it has two stories. Both John and Beth consistently refuse to acknowledge that they are old and that considering this fact might be important.

I’ve concluded that the denial response to aging is one milestone that divides the baby boomer generation from their/our parents. I’m sure many of you, particularly those who read my blog and spend time in the field of aging, have heard of the positive, or creative, aging movement. Silverplanet.com reflects that movement, which is why this site will continue to experience growth.

The philosophy behind the positive/creative aging movement is to acknowledge the facts of your own aging—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Some encourage us to embrace our aging. That’s going a bit far for me. The point is to gain a fearless attitude toward aging and make the most of what we have, for as long as we have it, and when we lose a capacity, we gain strength in another.

The problem, for octogenarians Beth and John, is that they have never spent much time with models of positive or creative aging. Their version of aging is far less romantic, relaxing, and satisfying.

I’m going to bide my time. At an opportune moment, I’ll try to get Beth over to the Adult Day Health Center. We will all feel better.

Visit the Elder and Adult Day Services Web site for more information about the nonprofit organization’s Adult Day Health Centers.

By Sara Myers
A Good Enough Daughter Blog