A Good Enough Daughter
As a professional in the field of aging, Sara had seen it all—until her own mother broke her hip at the age of 88 and became profoundly confused, unable to live in her own home. Join Sara on her journey through the strangeness that is dementia while trying to make sense of it all and finding humor in the details. [Editor's note: Sara no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
My Brother Is Coming to Visit Mom
A sister’s advice
“Your family must not read your blog,” wrote one reader in response to a piece I wrote about a family funeral weekend. In fact, my sister-in-law told me she reads my blog regularly, so I know my brother will have ample opportunity to read this weeks’ entry. That being the case, I’ve decided to take the straightforward approach and write directly to, not about, my brother.
David, I don’t know why I feel that I have to tell you that I’m doing the best I can to make sure Mom is being well cared for. You have been supportive all the way and have never once questioned the decisions I have made—well, except for the one decision to move her up here. With that one, I just had to do what I believed best. In retrospect, I think Mom moving up here was in everyone’s interest. Honestly, I think your marriage would have taken a real hit had she moved in with you.
The boys and I are looking forward to your visit in a couple of weeks. Your decision to stay overnight with Mom for part of your visit is really impressive. After all, everyone at Gaffney House lives with some level of dementia, and most sons and daughters would be too intimidated to stay more than a couple of hours.
You should know a couple of things about Mom. She is expressive aphasic. That means she has trouble translating thoughts into words; she can’t get too far into a sentence before she forgets what she intends to say. I’m not sure how much conversation she is tracking, so it’s not like a real conversation.
I’ve only recently become aware of how often people begin sentences with the word remember. Remember when this or that happened? Remember this person or that person? Remember when we did this or that? Make a concerted effort not to ask those kinds of questions. The answer will be obvious.
Mom tires easily and sleeps a lot. After an hour or two with her, I can see that she’s tired. She begins to nod off. It’s also important to know that your visit may cause some level agitation. She will be excited to see you, but her excitement may manifest unexpectedly. Calm voices are very soothing to the confused mind.
Bring pictures. Mom loves pictures and derives a great deal of satisfaction looking at them. When she is looking at the pictures, talk about the people, or dogs, in the pictures. Stories are good, and the tone of voice is more important than the content.
Finally, smile a lot. Hold her hand. Tell her you love her. I am absolutely sure you will both have a wonderful, unforgettable visit.
By Sara Myers
Good Enough Daughter Blog
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