Guilty

Too busy to visit mother

I have been busy. No, I have been very, very busy. I normally visit my mother once a week, sometimes twice a week. She lives in an assisted living facility near my office in Seattle, but it has been almost three weeks since I visited, and I have been feeling really guilty—as if I had abandoned her.

Webster’s defines the word guilty as "having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, esp. against moral or penal law; justly subject to a certain accusation or penalty; culpable.” Yikes! Pretty serious stuff.

I returned from a business trip this weekend and finally got over to see my mother today. She lives with a kind of cerebral vascular dementia, secondary to diabetes. (Dementia terms seem to change over time, so it is hard for me to keep up with the latest lingo.) It is different from other dementias, such as those caused by Alzheimer’s disease or stroke. Mom recognizes familiar faces, so she always knows when I am there, but she has no sense of time or place. She would not know if I had been there yesterday, last week, or last month.

It is the “If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, is there a sound?” kind of question. I do not think my mother thinks to herself, “Gee, it’s been a couple of weeks since I saw Sara,” or the more judgmental, “Where is that daughter of mine?” No, I think she is happy to see me when I arrive and satisfied when I leave. She kisses me and says, “I love you.” She seems genuinely happy.

So, what is the guilt about? I have come to the conclusion that guilt feelings are an inevitable part of taking care of someone you (I) love. It is part of the caring family relationship and is therefore, to some extent, inescapable. I think guilt is inevitable; however, self-flagellation is optional.

Maybe someone told me, “You will feel guilt, no matter what you do; it’s part of the process,” but I do not remember. I am glad I realized it now.

By Sara Myers
A Good Enough Daughter Blog