The Estate Lady
Julie Hall is an expert in dealing with personal property from the Depression era. Estate dissolution and helping grieving families make appropriate decisions during the estate settlement process are her specialties. She is a certified personal property appraiser, an estate sales professional, a residential content removal specialist, and a broker of fine items. As owner of The Estate Lady®, LLC, she brings 18 years of experience to families facing the overwhelming task of dissolving the family home.
My Sibling Is the Problem
She wants everything!
This week, I’m answering another great question from a reader:
Question: I am the executor of my mother’s estate. There are four children, and one is being problematic, even accusing me of things I haven’t done and have no intention of doing. She isn’t speaking with me, and she’s causing everyone great distress. She wants everything in Mom’s house that is valuable and is not willing to share. Mom specified everything be split four ways equally. Is there something I can do to improve the situation? Any help would be appreciated!
Answer: In my profession, I see this more often than I would like to admit. Sometimes the glue of the family begins to disintegrate once both parents pass away. If one sibling is being difficult, he or she is really calling out for some type of assistance, and it requires great patience and grace to get to the root of the problem. In some cases, the difficulty is a form of guilt or resentment. Perhaps a sibling never got the chance to make something right with Mom and Dad before their passing or felt cheated by the one who just died. Envy can also play an important role in the behavior of siblings during this difficult time.
Here’s what to do to improve this situation. Write each sibling a letter as the executor. Share with them the feelings and fears you have about the problem. Be honest and direct, and suggest a family meeting. Offer each sibling the opportunity to speak, one at a time. Ask the problematic sibling to tell you what she desires and why. What would make her feel better? Really listen to each other.
Have an appraiser evaluate the contents of the home before anything is removed. Keep a spreadsheet for each sibling, and note what everyone would like to have. Make certain each takes approximately the same financial amount, based on the appraisal. If one has considerably less assets, make up for it with cash assets, if all siblings agree. Select items in Mom’s house in order of birth, and then reverse the order to make it fair, or draw names out of a hat.
Being an executor is probably the most difficult task you might ever experience. It will test the core of your being! Lead with your heart, keep compassion in the forefront of your mind to remain fair and objective, and most of all, honor your mother’s memory by being respectful of her and her lifelong possessions. This is about your mother’s wishes, not your sibling’s!
By Julie Hall
The Estate Lady Blog
[First posted May 10, 2010, at Julie Hall's Estate Lady Web site.]
Our Silver Advisors™ are professional geriatric care managers and other experts who provide phone consultations on preventing falls, navigating Medicare, evaluating senior driving challenges, and other issues baby boomers must resolve while caring for an aging loved one. Silver Advisors clarify concerns, suggest a plan of action, help prioritize next steps, and furnish personalized written plans and recommendations. All callers receive a complimentary 15-minute consultation.
What We Do
Silver Planet® helps baby boomers guide their parents to age in place by providing services and products related to aging at home and housing options.
