Dear Ellie
Think of Dear Ellie as your very own kitchen table, where you can discuss the things that are on your mind. Now that the boomers are turning 60 and those in the Greatest Generation are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s—we are all blazing new trails in the third third of life. So, have a cup of coffee and let’s talk about life: the past, the present, and the future. [Editor's note: Dr. Greenberg no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
When Can a Widower Start to Date Again?
Dear Ellie:
My wife died six months ago after a three-year illness. Some of my friends say I should start to date. My grown children say it’s too soon to begin to take out other women. I am in my early 80s, in good health, and want to continue to live an active life. What should I do? Douglas
Dear Douglas:
It sounds like you are ready to begin to resume your social life. There are no hard and fast rules about the appropriate amount of time the surviving spouse should wait before beginning to socialize and go out with the opposite sex. However, there are some religious rules and some generally understood cultural norms about this matter. You will have to check that out with knowledgeable people in your own faith and your own community, if those standards are relevant to you. If there are no external restrictions, it seems reasonable to begin to date and enjoy the company of women after a six-month period of mourning has passed, especially if you feel emotionally ready to do that. The important thing is for you to be honest with others about your circumstances so that they can also judge if they want to socialize with a recently widowed man.
It is not uncommon for adult children to have negative feelings about one of their parents having a good time and being sociable with a person of the opposite sex after the death of their other parent. Feelings of disloyalty, jealousy, and control often surface in such situations. The best way to deal with your own grown children is simply to be up front, honest, and confident that you are doing the right thing. It may take them awhile to come to terms with their mother’s death and to accept the fact that you, as their father, still have a potentially full and happy life to live.
Some of the activities that I see widowed men and women enjoying together are: dinner, lunch, theater, concerts, movies, lectures, visits to local cultural facilities, and sports events. It’s often a good idea to ask the person you are inviting if she prefers to get to know you alone first, or if she would like to join with others (new or mutual friends) on your first date. Some women prefer privacy; others feel safer and more comfortable in a group social situation. Still others start out inviting their new friend to a family or holiday gathering.
Do let us know what you decide to do and how it works out. Remember, it’s your life. You can ask the opinion of others, but in the end, it’s your decision. Best wishes as you continue to be a healthy, active, and sociable person. Ellie
By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD
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