Dear Ellie
Think of Dear Ellie as your very own kitchen table, where you can discuss the things that are on your mind. Now that the boomers are turning 60 and those in the Greatest Generation are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s—we are all blazing new trails in the third third of life. So, have a cup of coffee and let’s talk about life: the past, the present, and the future. [Editor's note: Dr. Greenberg no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
What Can My Husband and I Do for His Elderly Brother?
Dear Ellie:
My 90-year-old brother-in-law lives in a skilled nursing facility and enjoys going out for a ride and lunch or dinner. My husband (his brother) takes him out at least once a week. It is very time-consuming to communicate the pick-up plan to him, be sure that he is dressed appropriately, pick him up at the appointed time, go to a restaurant, and return him to his facility. We are glad that he is still mobile and can walk and eat independently. He is all alone, having lost his wife and daughter. Although we do what we can for him, we feel guilty that we do not do more.
In addition to loving to eat, he was a great tennis player and loved movies. He also used to bowl. He likes music and theater. In fact, he likes almost any kind of entertainment.
Do you have any suggestions of activities or places that we could safely take him? Yvonne
Dear Yvonne:
It sounds like you are doing very good things with your brother-in-law. He is fortunate to be as independent as he is and to have some family nearby who can take him out periodically.
Have you asked him if he would like to go to a movie? Can he negotiate the stairs up to a reasonable seat? He may be able to sit in one place for an hour and a half. And watching a current movie in a public place may be more interesting than relying only on TV.
Even a trip to watch people at a bowling alley might be of interest to him. He could sit off to the side where he would not disturb the bowlers. I’ll bet that just keeping track of a few games would be a good challenge for him.
Would he like to go to an indoor tennis club? In the winter, he may have to be indoors, but in the summer you could take him to some outdoor tennis courts. I’ll bet that he’d really enjoy watching others play tennis. He’d probably have lots of advice for them also!
Going to a live concert might be a very special treat for him. Even if he could not stay for the entire performance, being at a musical event might lift his spirits.
I am aware that there may be particular constraints that you have not mentioned. In general, however, I’d urge you and your husband to take your brother-in-law to as many entertainment venues as he can tolerate. Of course, I realize that the burden of transportation, getting meals, and negotiating the various public venues seems to have fallen on you and your husband. But I think that you would be doing a wonderful deed if you could enlarge his world just a little bit more while he is still able to participate.
We are told that the more active we are, the better our health will be. The same would be true for your brother-in-law. The more you can get him out, the better for all of you. And you will, indeed, be contributing to both his mental and physical well-being if you can take him out to a wide variety of places. In addition, you and your husband will feel better about being involved in his life in a more positive way.
Who knows? Maybe he’ll live to be 100. If he does, you will have played a role in his remarkable longevity! Ellie
By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD
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