Should My Widowed Mother Live with Us or Stay in Her Home?

Dear Ellie:

My widowed 85-year-old mother lives all the way across the country in the home she has owned for more than 60 years. She is relatively well, with only a few chronic conditions associated with aging. My wife and I are becoming concerned about her living alone and being so far away. She visits us, and we visit her at least once a year. Our visiting time together is compatible, but we have never lived together in the same house or in the same town since we have been married.

As she considers whether or not to sell her house and move into a retirement community, should we offer her a room in our home or suggest that she come to our town and look for a retirement community near us? Hank

Dear Hank:

Yours is a classic dilemma. As our parents age and become widowed, we all worry about their safety and well-being. If the remaining parent is in ill health, we must often help him or her choose between independent living, some level of assisted living, or skilled nursing care.

If, however, the remaining parent wishes to remain home and is relatively healthy and living quite well independently, as your mother seems to be, I suggest that he or she live at home as long as safety is not an issue. From a social point of view, it is best for older people to remain in their hometowns. From a financial and comfort point of view, it is often best for them to remain in familiar homes and environments. Sometimes, an abrupt change of living arrangement or geographical location requires a difficult adjustment.

When it comes to the issues of change in the lives of older people, I am usually biased toward “leave well enough alone.” If there is no specific need to change an older person’s living arrangements, don’t do it.

You and your wife might have to cope with your own guilt or worry by visiting your mother more often than once a year. I suggest that you try to travel to see her at least every few months, maybe once a quarter, or each season.

You could invite her out to your home for major holidays so she would not be alone on Thanksgiving, for December holidays, or on New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, Easter/Passover, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, or Labor Day. If your family has traditions based on religious or patriotic holidays, you may want to focus on those. You could make your own schedule of invitations, perhaps based on the seasons of the year that are most pleasant where you live.

I also suggest that you discuss this issue with your mother and, if she is interested, go together to visit various retirement and senior facilities in both her and your locations. That way, decisions can be based on information and reality, not on hearsay and fantasy.

Good planning is likely to result in good decisions that are comfortable for both your mother and for you. Ellie

By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD

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