Should an Adult Adoptee Try to Find Her Birth Mother?

Dear Ellie:

I was adopted when I was an infant and never knew who my birth mother was. A few years ago, I read about how adopted children had found their birth mothers through the Internet. I am now in my 40s, and I’m afraid that if I wait any longer, my birth mother will be very old or will no longer be alive. Do you think that I should try to find her? Sandy

Dear Sandy:

This is a controversial issue. Those who have adopted children might feel that it’s disruptive and unfair that the child they have loved deeply and raised to adulthood would seek out the person who abandoned them and with whom they have not had any relationship. That’s an understandable position.

In addition, the discovery of a birth mother and the subsequent relationship will very likely complicate someone’s life. Feelings of guilt by the birth mother may be stirred up. There may be feelings of disloyalty by the adoptive mother. The adoptive father may become angry that the “rules have changed” since the decision to adopt was made. Many years ago, when adoptions took place, there were rules about confidentiality for these very reasons. Since then, the laws and procedural rules have changed in many states, and now adoption records are permitted to be reopened in some places. These changes have complicated things for many adoptees who are now adults.

I can sympathize with all the parties involved. Though I have never had this issue in my own life, I do have relatives for whom this is a very real dilemma.

I believe that if you have a lingering need and curiosity about your birth mother, and you have the tools to do a search for her, you should go ahead, before too much more time has passed. You are right. It won’t be an easy search. She is probably getting on in years, if she is still alive. But imagine the regret that you might feel if you never tried.

I also feel that you owe your adoptive parents the courtesy of telling them what you are intending to do. If you should find your birth mother, it would not be kind to surprise them with that news. Hopefully, you have a good relationship with your adoptive parents, and they will understand your motives and needs. Reassure them of your love for them. Choose a time for this conversation that will allow them to think it all over and develop a response that honestly reflects their feelings. This might be very difficult news for them to absorb, so give them time.

Thanks for sharing this very serious question with me and with our readers. Perhaps there will be comments made to this blog that will take another position or will bring others’ experiences with this issue to the fore. You are wise to seek out opinions and information. This is one instance where various opinions are of real value. I wish the best for you in your search. Ellie

By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD

Dear Ellie Blog