Dear Ellie
Think of Dear Ellie as your very own kitchen table, where you can discuss the things that are on your mind. Now that the boomers are turning 60 and those in the Greatest Generation are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s—we are all blazing new trails in the third third of life. So, have a cup of coffee and let’s talk about life: the past, the present, and the future. [Editor's note: Dr. Greenberg no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
I Married Him for Better or for Worse...but Not for Lunch!
Dear Ellie:
I have been retired for a few years and my husband just retired a few months ago. I can’t believe how difficult it is having him home all the time. I can’t get anything done. He’s always in the way. I don’t feel free to go out with my friends, to shop, or to go to meetings as I have done all during my married life, even when I was working. He’s driving me crazy! What suggestions do you have? Barbara
Dear Barbara:
I have heard this complaint from women many times. When husbands retire and are home all day, a woman’s domain seems to have gained an intruder. As they say, “I married him for better or for worse…but not for lunch!” Even if we have been, or still are, working women, we women often think of our home as our domain. It is awkward to tell him that he is in the way. Even to imply that can lead to a battle.
You may think to yourself, “Here I am at the prime of my life when our retirement should be a wonderful time that we were looking forward to, and we are getting along so poorly. We are just in each other’s way. One of us must go out everyday, or we’ll kill each other.”
It’s time to cut to the chase. I suggest that you sit down together on Sunday night, or whatever night you decide on, and go over the week’s calendar. He should know when you have a lunch date, when you plan to go shopping, and when you have a meeting. He should do the same with his week. If your schedules are not yet confirmed, write them into your calendars in pencil or enter them into your Blackberries or PDAs with a question mark. Both of you must do this so your calendars match. Then identify certain times when you have plans to go out together, get certain chores done together, or just plan to be home together. Put those times into your calendars, just like you have always done.
The critical issue here is for you, and for him, to be able to nurture and grow your independence and freedom, and not fall back on a dependent or codependent way of relating to each other. If you see that happening, then additional actions are likely to be needed.
Just bringing the issue to the forefront and addressing it forthrightly should help. In addition, organizing your time collaboratively should give each one of you “permission” to carry out your plans without guilt or anger. If this does not help, write to me again.
We invite all of you to add your comments and ideas to this very common, but awkward, dilemma. We never said that retirement was easy. It has its very own kinds of quirks and challenges. Ellie
By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD
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