Dear Ellie
Think of Dear Ellie as your very own kitchen table, where you can discuss the things that are on your mind. Now that the boomers are turning 60 and those in the Greatest Generation are in their 70s, 80s, and 90s—we are all blazing new trails in the third third of life. So, have a cup of coffee and let’s talk about life: the past, the present, and the future. [Editor's note: Dr. Greenberg no longer contributes to Silver Planet, but we have made her archived blog entries available as a service to our readers.]
How Can We Have a Relationship with the Opposite Sex After the Death of a Spouse?
Dear Ellie:
I am a 76-year-old widow living in a lovely retirement community. I have many friends here and have not felt lonely since my husband died last year. About 6 months ago, the wife of a man I know died. The widower and I have become close friends and enjoy each other’s company. Our families also like being together. I call him “my gentleman friend.” We are not getting married or anything. We are just good friends and enjoy each other. Recently, another widower I know asked me out to lunch. I accepted and now I have second thoughts. Should I cancel our lunch date? Or, should I go to lunch with him and explain that I feel awkward having two “men friends,” and say that I won’t be “seeing” him any more? Sylvia
Dear Sylvia:
You are very fortunate to have many close friends, as well as 2 male friends, who are interested in spending time with you. For many women, having more than one male friend with whom to enjoy lunch or dinner, or attend a concert or show, would not be a problem. But, if you feel awkward about going out with more than one man, by all means, tell the second man that you do not feel comfortable and will not be accepting invitations from him again.
We do not have a very appropriate vocabulary to describe male-female relationships that develop during the third third of life. This is especially true when one mate passes away and the remaining mate begins to seek the companionship of someone of the opposite sex. Often, marriage is out of the question, but a close and even intimate relationship may develop. It is especially pleasant if holidays are shared and the families involved really like being together. Do we say that we have a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend”? That seems a bit juvenile. Do we say that we have a “companion”? A “significant other”? A “gentleman friend”? A “lady friend”? None of these expressions seem to fit the situation.
As with many of the more recently active circumstances of our increasingly healthy and lengthening lives, we just don’t have an adequate vocabulary to describe our new situation.
Not to worry. Just focus on how fortunate you are to have a number of close male and female friends. Your relationships will grow and mature as you share more history together. I wish you well. Enjoy every moment! Ellie
By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD
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