Help Friends Stay Away from Regrets over the Past

Don't regret the things you did not do

Dear Ellie:

Recently, I have been hearing many of my older women friends talking about the things in their life that they regret. Mostly, their regrets seem to be about things that they did not do, rather than things they did do. It seems sad to me that they are thinking so negatively and missing out on the pleasures of their mature lives. What might I do to help them change their attitudes or focus their attention on the future rather than the past? Wilma

Dear Wilma:

You are very generous to want to help change your friends’ negative and remorseful attitudes. I agree with you—there is little to be gained from thinking about what we did not do in past years. However, the good thing about talking about our regrets is that we can acknowledge them, perhaps do something about them, and move on. If our regrets stay buried, they can gnaw away at our current satisfaction and cause us to live unhappily in the past.

While working on our recent book, A Time of Our Own: In Celebration of Women Over Sixty, my co-author and I asked our 40 interviewees questions about their losses, regrets, and gains at this time in their lives. We wrote an entire chapter about their responses. Fortunately, those women, who ranged in age from 59½ to 92 and had led quite varied lives, reported far more gains than losses and regrets. Let me tell you a bit about what they said.

• Most of them felt that they had gained freedom in their later years. They cared less about what others thought and felt empowered to do just what they wanted to do. For them, new friendships were deeper and more meaningful. Their maturity had given them a new sense of wisdom, patience, and focus.
• When it came to losses, most of them had sustained a number. The death of a spouse or a child was one of the most significant. Most, although not all, had lost their parents and still missed them, no matter how much time had passed. The losses of friends and peers reminded them of the fragility of their own lives and how hard it is to replace longtime friendships later in life. Some missed the work they had retired from, and many were experiencing the loss of their youthful vigor and strength. They worked hard to maintain their energy.
• Their regrets mostly centered on things they had not done, like finishing a degree, starting to work too late in life, not having more children, and not appreciating their parents more when they were around. Many regrets were expressed about not having had more education. That message should be passed on to younger women! One woman put it this way: “I wish I had done more with my mind. I should have been more ambitious about my own career.” Another said, “I should have run for political office, and not just supported others.” Most of their regrets were over things they could have changed and chose not to. That’s an important lesson for all of us.

So if you want to help your friends, listen to what they care about and encourage them to take action on their own behalf. There is no time like the present to lay the groundwork for the future. We should all try to remove regret from our lives and capitalize on our opportunities. This will ensure that our older years are full of life’s satisfactions and not regrets for what might have been. Ellie

By Elinor Miller Greenberg, EdD
Dear Ellie Blog