He’s Driving Me Insane!
Dear Blabby and Crabby:
My husband is one of the Clueless Left-Lane Drivers of America! He’ll drive in the left lane at 3 a.m. in any metropolitan area with an eight-lane freeway and no traffic. What’s worse, he slows down to talk on his cell phone and stays in the left lane. I’ve had it with all of the irate drivers who pass and yell obscenities and give us those awful hand and finger gestures. What can I do to get him to change his driving habits? Signed: Longing to Change Lanes
Crabby: I’ve been getting a lot of those gestures lately, but I don’t drive in the left lane.
Blabby: What are you doing that is causing a problem?
Crabby: Nothing! I always drive 45 miles per hour. I’m a careful driver.
Blabby: I’m sure some people must feel you are going a bit slow, since the speed limit is 65 or more on most interstate highways.
Crabby: Really? Gee, maybe somebody should have said something instead of waving their fingers.
Blabby: Now you know how Mrs. Longing must feel. How can we help her?
Crabby: It’s almost impossible to help a “clueless” person, which her husband may be. It’s even more difficult if he’s a habitual left-lane driver.
Blabby: Why is that?
Crabby: The American Automobile Highway Safety Organization (AAHSO) did a study a few years back and found that 92% of chronic left-lane drivers had low IQs and suffered from some serious emotional disturbance as a child. The study also found that most of these individuals had also been abused. It seems they need to be on the receiving end of someone else’s anger, so they drive in the left lane to provoke an angry response from other drivers.
Blabby: And this gives them a comfort level?
Crabby: Apparently so.
Blabby: So how do you get these people out of the left lane?
Crabby: Well, we can’t raise their IQs or eliminate past abuse, but we can give them a copy of the self-help guide put out by AAHSO.
Blabby: And how will that help?
Crabby: AAHSO recommends reading it while driving.
Blabby: Are you serious?
Crabby: Yes. Forty-two percent of the drivers reading the course on the highway had accidents and had their licenses revoked. That’s 42% fewer left-lane drivers!
Blabby: That’s not a very comforting statistic. What happened to the other 58%?
Crabby: They took jobs as truck drivers so they could pass on a hill and block the left lane for everyone. The manual states that no one ever gives a truck driver the finger, which means they don’t have to be the target of anyone’s anger anymore.
Blabby: I can’t wait to recommend to Mrs. Longing that she and her husband go to truck driving school!
Crabby: I’m telling you, this manual is a very effective solution.
Blabby: AAH SO!
By Don Griffin
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